Losing Jonathan was not the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Just being a mom and raising my three boys has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Not everday is hard, but there are moments. Moments when I am just too tired, moments when I don’t think I have any more to give. Moments when all the sin that is in my heart vomits up onto a 4 year old. I never knew I had an anger problem. I never knew I was impatient. I knew I needed a Savior, but I never really thought I was that big of a “sinner.” Until kids. I mean honestly, what kind of person yells at a kids. Shouldn’t I, as the adult, be able to control myself. Okay, now I am feeling a little exposed to admit that I yell at my kids, but it’s true.
I have these ideas of the kind of mom that I want to be, of how I want my family to look, but daily I find myself coming up short. Of course there are little victories here and there. But wow. I think seeing my sin, my ability to get so frustrated so easily, has helped me to understand the gospel so much more. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am sinful, and that I need a Savior to cover my sin and set me free from death.
I need to live in communion with Him daily. I need to die to myself daily. One website that has helped me in my growth toward holiness so much is www.revived-christian-woman.com It has brought me to my knees before God. I want to change. Also www.aholyexperience.com has been super inspiring.
Okay, now I am worrying that everyone is going to think I am a terrible, verbally-abusive parent. I am not, but if you know me, you know that already. I am just a mom, learning to live and love beyond myself. Here are three verses that are helping me transition from anger to patience.
“My dear brothers, take note of this, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” James 1:19-20 Man’s angers does not bring about the righteous life that God desires– Wow, my anger does not make my children righteous! Only steady correction and strong love can do that.
Later on in the same chapter it says, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it–he will be blessed in what he does. If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight reign on his tongue, he decieves himself and his religion is worthless.”
Wow, that verse hurts a little doesn’t it. It has so much. I have no excuse. I know the word says to be slow to speak and slow to become angry. I know that it says to keep a tight reign on my tongue. But I look into the Word, walk away and when the boys fight over legos for the hundreth time that day, I forget and snap. I have been mediating on this verse all week. It is amazing how the Holy Spirit has brought it to my mind when I want to yell. It is also amazing that I can correct my children without getting angry. I can give consequences without showing disappointment. Our perfect law gives FREEDOM. It is amazing.
This verse is helpful to everyone in our family.
“In your anger, do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your heart and be silent.” Psalm 4:4 When someone in our house is dealing with anger. They need to go sit on their beds in silence and search their hearts. They can come out on their own time schedule when their hearts have changed (me included). When I start to show frustration, my boys even say to me, “Mom do you need to sit on your bed and ponder?”
There are so many verses “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” Proverbs 29:11
“The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.” Psalm 103:8. I want to be like my Lord. I want to transform into his likeness.
Now, just a few pictures of my wonderful boys for your enjoyment !